The thing I found really fascinating was that if men felt an emotional disconnect from their partner, they might not be in the mood to have sex. When it comes to sex, we talk about it as this quick physical activity.
It really is this opportunity to be open, vulnerable, close, connected and emotional. One of the things that stood out very strongly to me throughout my research is that men want to feel desired — they want to feel wanted by their female partner.
But men were really saying how important it was to feel that those rules were reversed at times. They wanted her to give them a compliment, flirt, seduce or initiate sex. Initiating sexual activity, they said, was the ultimate, the most clear way they felt desired. Men indicated it was really a vulnerable act. So when their female partners rejected sex, men felt like it was as if they as a whole person were being rejected because they were getting so much more out of sex than pleasure.
There was this really strong connection and love these men were talking about in their relationships. Men said they liked lingerie, a low-cut shirt or a short skirt. Only good sex can nourish desire in a committed relationship. Obvious, huh? Many couples I see in my office have never bothered to reflect on those simple facts.
They miss it completely. They want to feel desired first. I once attended a sex therapy convention where researcher Jim Pfaus showed videos of rats having sex. The most interesting part turned out to be the foreplay. By human standards, male rats are all premature ejaculators — so rat sex is typically very short-lived. But rat foreplay can go on for a long time.
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