Cousin playdates and sleepovers are fun for those who live nearby; those who live faraway can be pen pals or keep up via Skype. Request that grandparents keep equality in mind. This particularly applies to doling out gifts, college fund contributions or other types of support. Shift your own focus from the unequal treatment to helping your kids create fond memories with their grandparents, regardless of favoritism. This article was originally published in , and updated in September Read Next.
Sexual Abuse: When a Child Tells. Related Topics Dads. Share this article with your friends! About the Author. By Malia Jacobson Malia Jacobson is an award-winning health and parenting journalist and mom of three who contributes regularly to more than 90 national and regional publications and has written two books on sleep.
Other articles by this author. Emmy Moretti is all too familiar with grandparent favoritism. Research suggests that favoritism is often passed down from one generation to the next, cultivated by the privileged like a prized garden. Grandparent favoritism—which frequently takes the form of extra gifts and attention—is an unfortunate fact for many families. Figuring out what to do about it is another matter that often reopens old childhood wounds.
Not all grandparent favoritism is harmful and when it is, there are plenty of coping strategies. Before plotting out a strategy in anticipation of the next family gatherings, though, you might want to spend a little time separating out the truly harmful from the merely annoying variations of favoritism.
Only the former requires a coping strategy. Cultural norms depict grandparents as wise elders, presiding over family gatherings with an even hand and a serene smile. But achieving cultural ideals is often impossible given the herculean task of doling out fair treatment across multiple grandchildren and a vast array of circumstances. Add to that the fact that not all grandparents are well-intentioned, and the potential for family conflict is boundless.
Even parents, with their greater stake in creating conflict-free families, show significant levels of favoritism. Lest you think Kluger is engaging in hyperbole to promote book sales, there is plenty of evidence to support his claims. In one study , Karl Pillemer and his colleagues at Cornell University interviewed Boston-area mothers in their 60s and 70s. Seventy percent reported having a favorite child, even after their children reached adulthood.
Instead of taking on the role of wise elder, many aging parents are still trapped in conflicts that dogged their families for decades. Not surprisingly, grandparents are part of this ongoing cycle of preferential treatment.
The effects of childhood favoritism can last decades and span generations. Adults who believe they were unfavored have more distant relationships with their parents, which weakens the bonds between grandparents and grandkids.
Conversely, when grandparents and their adult children are close, it encourages grandchildren to establish close ties with grandparents. Social support strengthens relationships to an even greater extent. Children have more opportunities to develop warm relationships with grandparents when their parents and grandparents help one another. Most children are heat-seeking missiles when it comes to accurately pinpointing favoritism. Other family members are no slouches, either.
According to Dr. Ellen Libby, author of The Favorite Child , in dysfunctional families, favoritism is frequently the only thing members agree upon. She observed a high degree of consensus regarding who was favored even when families agreed on little else.
Yet, there are broad similarities that help to differentiate the annoying from the harmful varieties. Libby provides a useful distinction by identifying fluid and fixed forms of favoritism. Fluid favoritism shifts from one family member to another, so in theory, everyone has their time in the spotlight. One grandparent may prefer babies while another enjoys the company of teens.
Grandparents may provide extra attention to a child who is bullied or going through a family crisis, but the favoritism does not last once the problems are resolved. Since favoritism is fluid, it does not devalue children as individuals. At some point, every child will be a baby and a teen, so each will have an opportunity to shine. Fixed favoritism does not shift from one grandchild to the next. Instead, it consistently elevates some over others. When a grandparent singles out a particular child for special treatment, the family dynamic can quickly shift into unhealthy territory.
In some cases, though, favoritism follows a path with well-worn ruts. Daughters also have closer ties to their own parents than to their in-laws, and maternal grandparents often form more meaningful bonds with their grandchildren. The close bonds found between maternal grandmothers and grandchildren persist even after grandchildren set up independent households. But given the range of individual differences in families, any pattern that systematically values some children over others has the power to inflict harm.
Forewarned is forearmed. Favoritism according to birth order also follows a distinct pattern that singles out categories of children for favored treatment. The fate of middle-born children is not just a mom-loved-you-best trope.
Studies consistently find that middle-born children are less favored than their older and younger siblings, and first-born and last-born children are more likely to be favored by their mothers. Birth order helps explain favoritism even after the children enter adulthood. Middleborns feel free to vent.
Grandparents play a powerful role in families, hosting gatherings, disseminating family information, and often setting the tone for how family members are treated. When favoritism is involved, it sets a benchmark for how people are valued and treated within the family. Children are especially vulnerable. Making sense of complicated family situations is often outside the scope of their understanding. Emmy knows that well. It took me a long time to figure that out.
Libby attributes these negative consequences to the tensions associated with being chosen as well as not being chosen. The unfavored child longs for favored status; the golden child feels pressure to maintain that status, or sometimes even guilt over their elevated position in relation to their peers.
Although exposure is more limited, consistent grandparent favoritism is still harmful. Resentment tugs at the ties that bind families, weakening relationships among siblings, cousins, and in-laws.
Unsurprisingly, relationships among siblings, in particular, are most positive when treatment of adult children is equal. Children have a great deal to lose when families are divided. Extended families provide huge benefits to children who grow up surrounded by loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The grandparents in your family may just be naturally drawn to one kid over the other. Perhaps they have an easier time communicating or sharing things in common.
It also may be that there is some family tension between the parents and grandparents, which seems to spill over and affect the grandparent grandchild relationship.
If you feel strongly that your children are treated differently, negatively in comparison to other grandchildren then it is important to stand up to the grandparents and bring it to their attention. Rather than approach with it anger, which you will undoubtedly feel, try to remain solution based.
If you feel that the grandparents are playing favorites with the younger grandchildren and ignoring the older ones, point out that the babies and toddlers are not going to know the difference, but that your 12 year old does. Additionally, try to encourage your children, the grandchildren, to seek out relationships with their grandparents. Try to find things that your older children have in common with their grandparents and allow them to connect that way.
If distance is the problem with grandparents playing favorites, then make sure that you plan special occasions throughout the year to be together. You could even meet half way so that your family and the grandparents get some private time without the cousins which may exasperate the feelings of playing favorites.
The point is that the grandparent grandchild relationship is important. In all too many families, it is also short lived and tangled with aged old familial issues and problems that have nothing to do with the grandchildren themselves. For this reason, it is important that children are always encouraged to maintain a relationship with their grandparents and that grandparents are empowered to do the same.
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